THERE IS NO SECTION 8 HOUSING IN SUMMIT COUNTY. THERE IS NO HELP FOR ME HERE. THE ONLY THING I CAN THINK OF IS TO GET A TRAILER HITCH PUT ON MY CAR IN THE CASE I MUST LEAVE COLORADO ALTOGETHER.  I WENT TO MENTAL HEALTH YESTERDAY AMONG OTHER OFFICES IN THE BUILDING AND ALL I AM ALLOTED IS $23 IN FOOD STAMPS AND I MUST LIVE ON THE $723 I GET FROM SSI.   THEY ARE TRYING TO CUT OFF MY MEDICAL AS WELL, MY CAR INSURANCE COMPANY IS TELLING ME THEY ARE NOT GOING TO CONTINUE COVERAGE OF MY VEHICLE AFTER MY CURRENT POLICY EXPIRES AND MY CAR HAS BEEN ATTACKED SO MANY TIMES,I SERIOUSLY DOUBT IT WILL MAKE THE TRIP TO TEXAS, BUT THAT IS THE IDEA OF A PULL TRAILER-I COULD RENT A VEHICLE WITH A TOW BALL.   I OWN NEXT TO NOTHING AND AM BEING FORCED TO LEAVE THE ONLY PLACE I HAVE KNOWN FOR YEARS.   TODAY I GOT AN APPOINTMENT WITH MENTAL HEALTH, THEY ARE ASSIGNING ME A ROOKIE…I DO NOT KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH MANIACALLY AT THIS STUPID SHIT OR JUST CRY FROM MY HEART BREAKING.  IT DOES HAPPEN, I WILL BE JUST SITTING, TRYING TO KEEP THE SPASMS IN MY HANDS FROM MAKING ME LOOK LIKE A FREAK, AND IWILL THINK OF BOBBY AND A FEW TEARS WILL GET PAST MY GUARD.  NO ONE IS SUPPOSED TO KNOW THAT I CRY, MUCH LESS SEE IT-BUT I HAVE NOWHERE TO GO AND HAVE A GOOD OLD FASHIONED BREAKDOWN.  I WROTE ABOUT THE FLEET FOLLOWING ME AND THE NEXT DAY ONLY SAW ONE VEHICLE WITH THE RED FLT PLATES, WONDER IF THEY ARE GOING TO RESUME FOLLOWING ME TODAY… THERE IS REALLY NOTHING MUCH MORE THAT CAN BE DONE TO HARM ME OTHER THAN ARREST ME FOR SOME BULLSHIT CHARGE AND TOW MY CAR OFF, I DEO NOT KNOW IF IT IS WISE TELLING THE WORLD THE FEW WAYS LEFT I CAN THINK I MIGHT BE HARMED, BUT THIS IS THERAPUTIC WRITING AND I JUST NEED THINGS NOTED FOR THE RECORD.   THIS HACKING ISSUE HAS DAMN NEAR DESTROYED MY LIFE AND I AM CONCERNED WERE I TO GO TO MY FAMILY, THAT THE THEIVES WOULD FOLLOW ME AND ATTACK MY WHOLE FAMILY WITH THE VARIOUS TORTURES I HAVE SUFFERED-THAT THERE WOULD BE THE VERY LAST THING MY MIND WOULD BE ABLE TO TAKE AND I WOULD HAVE AN ACTUAL MENTAL BREAKDOWN.  I HAVE NOT HAD ONE OF  THOSE HORRIBLE BREAKDOWNS SINCE I QUIT THE DRUGS BUT I AM GOING TO HAVE TO DO SOMETHING AND ANYWHERE I GO I FEEL I AM PUTTING WHOMEVEER I AM AROUND IN DANGER FROM THOSE  THAT HAVE MADE IT THEIR LIFE’S WORK TO DESTROY ME.  I HAVEN TO DEAL WITH MENTAL HEALTH TODAY AND TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH, I REALLY HAVE NO CONFIDENCE THAT THESE PEOPLE AT MIND SPRINGS MENTAL HEATH ARE GOING TO PROVIDE ANY REAL HELP, I REALLY HAVE NO CONFIDENCE IN  ANYONE BUT MYSELF AS I AM THE ONLY PERSON I HAVE EVER MET WITH THE CONVICTION TO DO WHAT THEY SAY THEY ARE GOING TO DO- I HAVE OVERCOME THE HARDEST OF ADDICTIONS-INCLUDING FEAR-WHICH I WAS NOT EVEN AWARE I HAD-OR THINK POSSIBLE-ME? FEARFUL OF SOMETHING?  I AM NOT THE TYPE THAT YOU SCARE EASILY AS I HAVE GONE THROUGH SOME ROUGH SHIT IN MY PAST, BUT NOW IT IS GETTING SERIOUS.  THESE PEOPLE ARE TRYING TO STOP EVERY THING IN MY LIFE THAT I NEED-HOUSING,MEDICAL CARE,MEDICAIDE, FOOD AND AUTO INSURANCE, I CANNOT THINK OF ANYTHING WORSE THAT CAN BE DONE THAT HAS NOT BEEN DONE ALREADY…MY PORTENTIOUS DREAM I HAD ABOUT MY LIFE CHANGING WHEN I BUY GAS AT $1.89 A GALLON IS VERY CLOSE, WHEN I HAD THAT DREAM-GAS WAS AT $3.99 A GALLON AND IT WAS 3 YEARS AGO THAT I HAD THAT DREAM.   THE BUYING OF THE GAS AT THAT PRICE WAS SHOWN IN MY DREAM AS AN ENDING OF SOMETHING-I HOPE IT IS MY SUFFERING.  I CANNOT EVEN CONTACT MY DEAREST OF FRIENDS, MAMA NANCY, AS I HAVE NO PHONE AND TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH,I DO NOT WANT HER WORRYING ABOUT ME…PROBABLY BETTER TO JUST FORGET I WAS EVER HER FRIEND.   THERE ARE TWO THINGS MOST PEOPLE HAVE DIFFICULTY DISTINGUISHING-FAITH AND HOPE.    HOPE IS WHAT YOU HAVE BECAUSE OF YOUR FAITH, WHETHER IT BE FAITH IN GOD-OR JUST FAITH IN YOUR OWN ABILITIES AND ATTITUDE.    I AM DEALING WITH A SITUATION I NEVER THOUGHT I WOULD SUFFER THROUGH WITH ABSOLUTELY NO HELP OR RELIEF IN SIGHT AND A BROKE ASS CAR THAT HAS BEEN ATTACKED SEVERAL TIMES I HAVE TO DEAL WITH, BUT I HAVE FAITH IN MYSELF TO LIVE THROUGH THESE TRIALS AND TRIBULATIONS AND TACKLE EACH AS IT COMES-EVEN WITH NO RESOURCES… I HAVE HOPE, BUT NOT VERY MUCH OF IT-AND CERTAINLY NOT IN THE ACTIONS OF OTHER PEOPLE.   BEING A BIG BELIEVER IN CONTINGENCIES, THE BEST I GOT ROLLING AROUND IN THIS TIRED MIND IS TO GET A TRAILER HITCH PUT ON MY VEHICLE SO I CAN HAUL WHAT LITTLE IS LEFT OF MY LIFE OUT OF LAKE COUNTY, COLORADO AS FAST AS POSSIBLE SO I DO NOT HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT GOD AWFUL ASSHOLE WITH THE LISP AGAIN-MAYBE I SHOULD CHECK HIS WORK SCHEDULE BEFORE I ATTEMPT TO GET MY STUFF…MIGHT BE A GOOD IDEA OR MIGHT CAUSE THE CREEP TO STAKE OUT MY STORAGE UNIT, HAVE SOME OF HIS JUNKIES WATCH THE PLACE AND LET HIM KNOW I AM THERE- THAT IS A SERIOUS CONCERN.  THE COMPUTER HACKING-THAT IS SOMETHING I REALLY DO NOT KNOW WHAT TO DO ABOUT-BUT GET SOMEPLACE VERY SECLUDED, OR WHERE THOSE WHO WOULD FOLLOW ME ARE EXTREMELY NOTICEABLE.  NO ONE EVER SAID LIFE WAS FAIR BUT DAMN…THIS IS JUST FUCKED UP-I GOT CLEAN AND SOBER FOR THIS???  CONSTANT HARASSMENT FROM EVERY FUCKING SOURCE IMAGINEABLE THAT EFFECTS EVERY SINGLE ASPECT OF WHAT WAS FORMERLY A GOOD LIFE?  ALL BECAUSE I CAUGHT SOME THIEF STEALING FROM ME?  MAKES ME WONDEER IF IT WAS WORTH IT,BUT OF COURSE- THE ANSWER IS YES.  I THOUGHT I COULD HANDLE EVERY AND ANYTHING THROWN AT ME, BUIT I AM OUTNUMBERED AND MOST PEOPLE ARE TOO STUPID TO UNDERSTAND WHAT I AM DEALING WITH- THE SEVERITY OF THE ISSUES, MUCH LESS THE FACT THAT IT IS FEDERAL CRIME BEING DONE TO AN AT RISK ADULT.  THIS CREEP WITH THE VIDEO STORE HAS GIVEN MY INFORMATION OUT TO MORE PEOPLE SO THEY CAN CONTINUE DESTROYING MY LIFE, THE AUTHORITIES ARE TOO FUCKING DUMB TO UNDERSTAND ANYTHING I TRY TO SHOW THEM AND THE ONE PERSON I HAVE BEEN ABLE TO TALK TO HAS LITERALLY TOLD ME TO SHUT UP AND THAT HE DOES NOT GIVE A FUCK ABOUT MY PROBLEMS.  THAT HURTS BUT IT IS WHAT IT IS.  JUST ANOTHER PERSON WHO DID NOT CARE ABOUT ME-I AM USED TO BEING USED,BUT THIS IS JUST MEAN- HAVING SOMEONE IN YOUR KITCHEN WHO IS HOMELESS AND IS AT THE POINT OF A MAJOR MENTAL MELTDOWN AND TELLING THEM YOU COULD CARE LESS…MY FAITH IN MYSELF IS STRONG,BUT MY BODY IS NOT-YEAH, I CARRY AROUND ABOUT 40 TO 50 POUNDS OF O2,PURSE AND PC ALL THE TIME AND CAN PROBABLY BEAT THE CRAP OUT OF EVERY SINGLE SHEEP THAT CROSSES MY PATH BUIT THIS MENTAL STRESS HAS MY HAIR FALLING OUT IN CLUMPS, I CAN’T EAT, I FEEL HORRIBLE FOR IMPOSING UPON THE PEOPLE THAT HAVE BEEN HELPING ME OUT WITH A PLACE TO STAY DURING THIS FREEZING  WEATHER-ALL I CAN DO IS HOLD THESE THINGS IN SO PEOPLE DO NOT SEE MY PAIN AND WRITE ON THIS STUPID FUCKING BLOG-I AM AT THE BREAKING POINT AND I KNOW JUST HOW ALONE I REALLY AM-I AM COMPLETELY ALONE IN AN UNFAMILIAR PLACE AND NOW THE ONE PERSON I THOUGH WAS A FRIEND HAS ONCE AGAIN SAID THINGS TO ME THAT HAVE CREATED ANOTHER HOLE IN MY HEART-I KNOW THE ONLY REASON I HAVE HIS HELP IS BECAUSE HE WANTS A MOTORCYCLE JACKET I HAVE AND THE $100 BILLS I GIVE HIM.  HE IS CERTAINLY NOT GOING TO GET IN ANY RUSH TO HELP ME-I HAVE ALREADY SEEN THAT, I GUESS I SHOULD LOOK UPON HIS CRUELTY AS ANOTHER REASON TO LEAVE WITH NO LOOKING BACK.   I JUST WISH MORE PEOPLE WERE LIKE ME, I GUESS-WITH CONCERN FOR OTHERS’ FEELINGS,INSTEAD OF THIS USING PEOPLE UNTIL THEY ARE USED UP.  MY ONE REGRET IN ALL OF THIS IS THAT IT HAS RUINED MY ENJOYING BEING CLEAN AND SOBER.   I WONDER IF I WILL EVER HAVE TRUST IN A HUMAN BEING, IT IS NOT LOOKING LIKE PEOPLE ARE WORTH RISKING TRUST OF ANY KIND.  I FEEL LIKE THE ALCOHOLIC TAKING LIFE ONE DAY AT A TIME- AND I AM NO LONGER AN ADDICT-I SHOULD NOT HAVE TO FEEL THIS- SOBER SHOULD HAVE BEEN SOMETHING GOOD-NOW IT IS JUST STARK, DARK REALITY.  NO ONE HERE HAS ANY CONCERN FOR ME -NOTHING REAL OR TANGIBLE-JUST BULLSHIT FAKE CONCERN OF WHICH I HAVE SEEN MORE THAN MY SHARE OF. I HAVE NEVER HAD A FAMILY OR A HOME OR LOVE OF ANY KIND RECIPROCATED-JUST THIS FAKE CRAP FROM PEOPLE WHO DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT IS IN MY HEART OR WHY I AM THE WAY I AM.  TIME TO GO TO MY MENTAL HEALTH PROVIDER FOR MORE FAKE CONCERN.  KEEP READING- YOU MAY GET TO READ WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO HAVE NO FAITTH IN ANYONE OR YOU MAY READ OF MY RISE FROM THE ASHES OF MY FORMER LIFE-AT THIS POINT, ALL I CAN DO IS TRY TO PREPARE FOR MORE CRUEL SHIT AND BE PREPARED TO RUN FOR MY LIFE.  HERE I AM, WHERE ARE MY SO CALLED FRIENDS?  I CAN’T SEE THEM THROUGH MY TEARS. THERAPUTIC WRITING BY KARIN WRAPE 1-5-16

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