AS I AM OUT IN PUBLIC PRETTY MUCH EVERY DAY I AM FINDING MY MANIC EPISODES ARE GETTING EASIER TO HANDLE-TODAY IN THE GROCERY STORE, I WAS MY OLD PLEASANT SELF-SMILING AT PEOPLE AND HELPING FIX BROKEN SIDING ON THE REFIGERATED SECTION AS I ALWAYS CARRY TAPE… IT’S NOT JUST FOR SHUTTING UP DRUNKS ANYMORE!  I AM GETTING THE REST I NEED AND THE OLD ME IS COMING BACK, THE ONE THAT LOVED HELPING PEOPLE!  I HAD KIND OF STOPPED OFFERING TO HELP PEOPLE DUE TO THE VICTIMIZATION, BUT I AM COMING BACK TO WHERE I WANT TO HELP PEOPLE AGAIN AFTER EXPERIENCING SO MANY KIND ACTS HERE IN SUMMIT COUNTY.   MY PORTENTIOUS DREAM OF BUYING GAS AT $1.87 A GALLON HAS COME TRUE AND I INTERPRETED THAT DREAM AS BEING AN END TO MY STRUGGLES WHEN I HAD IT IN 2012.  I HAVE HAD LOTS OF DREAMS COME TRUE, MOST ARE BAD THINGS I TRIED MY BEST TO AVOID, BUT THERE WERE GOOD ONES TOO- DREAMS I WOULD FIND MONEY AND SUCH- BUT THIS DREAM STUCK IN MY MIND, CAUSE WHEN I HAD IT-GAS WAS ABOUT $3.99 A GALLON OR MORE.  THESE LAST COUPLE SAFE NIGHTS-I HAVE NOT HAD ANY DREAMS, JUST A VERY DEEP SLEEP.  MY BODY AND MIND BOTH UTTERLY EXHAUSTED FROM THIS WHOLE LIVING IN MY CAR WITH NO HEAT IN DEADLY TEMPS IS PROBABLY WHY I AM NOT DREAMING-OR AT LEAST REMEMERING THEM.  MY FAVORITE DREAMS ARE A BIT UNUSUAL, I DREAM I CAN LEAP AND KIND OF BOUNCE ALONG LIKE A KANGAROO-KIND OF LIKE FLYING DREAMS,WHICH I HAVE HAD A FEW OF-BUT MOST OF THEM ARE ME BOUNCING ALL OVER, HIGH IN THE AIR WITHOUT ANY FEAR OF FALLING OR GETTING HURT LANDING.  I AM FEELING MORE LIKE A PERSON WITHOUT MENTAL ISSUES EVERY DAY, MY OBSESSIVE/COMPULISIVE BEHAVIORS ARE STILL THERE, BUT I AM LEARNING TO HANDLE MYSELF BETTER IN PUBLIC EVERY DAY.   I STILL GET FEELINGS I CANNOT CONTROL- ESPECIALLY WHEN TIRED, BUT NOW THAT I HAVE A PLACE TO PLUG IN  MY O2 AND AN ACTUAL BED TO SLEEP IN INSTEAD OF ON THE CARPET AS I HAD NO FURNITURE WHEN LIVING IN LEADVILLE, – FEEL MY MENTAL STATE IMPROVING AS  MY COMFORT AND SAFETY LEVELS INCREASE.  YOU WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND WHAT SITTING AND SLEEPING ON THE FLOOR  DO TO YOUR BODY IN THE WAY I HAD TO AND I HOPE I AM NEVER IN A ‘NO FURNITURE’ SITUATION AGAIN.  TODAY I AM HAPPY, I AM TAKING PICS OF MY BEAUTIFUL MOUNTAINS AGAIN AND READING MY BIBLE AGAIN-AND TODAY I FEEL THAT ALL IS RIGHT WITH THE WORLD, GOD IS IN HIS HEAVEN AND WATCHING OVER ME AND I HAVE EVEN GOTTEN MYSELF SOME GOOD FOODS TO EAT WHILE WATCHING BLACKADDER OR FRINGE LATER TODAY.  I DO NOT EAT WHAT EVERYONE ELSE DOES- MOST OF THE FOODS IN THE GROCERY STORES I SIMPLY CANNOT EAT BECAUSE OF MY HEALTH ISSUES -BUT I HAVE HONEY FOR MY FLAKY DINNER ROLLS, NATURAL UNSWEETENED COCONUT FLAKES AND PAPAYA AND PINEAPPLE CHUNKS TO CHEW ON, SOME COTTAGE CHEESE, MY ORANGE JUICE(extra pulp) AND MORE OF THAT DELICIOUS CRANBERRY FLAVORED GINGERALE I LOVE- THE LAST 3 BOTTLES… SO FOR NOW I AM KIND OF HAPPY- I ALMOST FORGOT WHAT HAPPINESS FELT LIKE…  I AM JUST LEARNING TO NOT BE A RECLUSE, SO IT WILL BE A PROCESS I HAVE TO BECOME COMFORTABLE WITH.  LONELINESS IS SOMETHING I DID NOT THINK I HAD, BUT OF COURSE SPENDING YOUR LIFE IN ISOLATION IS HARMFUL TO THE MENTAL STATE-PROVEN BY PRISONS WITH LONG TERM SOLITARY CONFINED PRISONERS.  I AM STILL A LITTLE PARANOID-BUT NOT LIKE I WAS JUST LAST WEEK.  EVERY DAY IS GETTING BETTER- AND FOR THAT, I AM TRULY THANKFUL.  THERE IS THIS JOKE-HOW MANY PSYCHIATRISTS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHTBULB?  ONLY ONE- BUT THE LIGHTBULB HAS TO WANT TO CHANGE!  I AM THE ONE THAT HAS DECIDED TO HIDE NO LONGER AND THAT IS A GOOD THING. THIS LIGHTBULB WANTS TO CHANGE- THE OLD ME WAS GETTING TO BE AN ANGRY SOUL AND ONLY THINKING OF THE BAD THINGS BEING DONE TO ME- THAT PERSON IS PROBABLY JUST UNDER THE SKIN-BUT AT LEAST NOW I CAN KEEP IT THERE LONGER.  I HAVE CHANGED THE MUSIC IN MY CAR FINALLY TO SOMETHING MORE POSITIVE AND I CAN BE SEEN, ONCE AGAIN SINGING LIKE THE ANGEL I AM WHEN DRIVING.  IF I CAN JUST KEEP THE HATE OUT OF MY MIND- I CAN BE THAT HAPPY PERSON I WAS BEFORE I CAUGHT THE HACKING.  THERAPUTIC WRITING DONE BY KARIN WRAPE 1-24-16

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